Being the crutch
No matter who you are or what your situation is, your life is going to be a struggle. Some struggle more than others and in different ways, but in the end, we all struggle to live. It’s the true reason human beings need each other — because without one another to rely on, most of us wouldn’t make it. Arguably, none of us would. People need other people in their lives, and good people are always willing to help friends in need. The problem is understanding what will help — and what won’t — can often be difficult. More often than not, a helping hand turns into a crutch. While crutches are sometimes necessary, relying on them for too long weakens you. Not using your legs for so long only means you’ll find it much harder when you finally have to.
When we find ourselves in tough situations, we take whatever help we can get. The problem is we often take more than we ought to; it’s human nature. So if you’re the one helping your friend get back on his feet, you need to make sure you help him in a way that actually helps him. Being supportive is helping someone help himself — being someone’s crutch is helping him as if he couldn’t help himself. I believe you should do your best to rely on other people as little as possible. While some might differ, it’s what I believe. If you can avoid relying on someone, you’re better off doing so. My belief doesn’t stem from the thought people shouldn’t be trusted, or we should do our best to live our lives in solitude. Instead, at any moment in your life, you may find you relied on the wrong people. It happens. When it does, you’re the one who ends up paying for it. Sometimes, however, we have no choice but to ask for a helping hand. Sometimes we’re hanging off the side of a cliff and find our arms are too weak to hold on to the cliffside. It’s moments like this you’ll be glad you have someone in your life you can rely on. It also may be times like this when you’re glad you hadn’t been asking for handouts the entire time. People aren’t so willing to help those always looking for help.
Being a crutch is a full-time job — and it only gets more demanding as time goes on being someone’s crutch, you may very well find that person sucking you dry. It’s human nature. People will never change the way they’re living unless they feel they have to. Being supportive allows you to help your friend, spouse, child, whomever, become the person he deserves to be. What Lupton did find, however, is allowing and teaching people to help themselves did make it possible for a lasting, positive change to take place. As the adage says… Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.
This is where you come in. When your friends or even family members come to you for help, don’t help them by trying to fix their lives or their situations. All this will do is put a Band-Aid on a wound that needs better medical attention. The only way to help people is by helping them help themselves, by helping them understand how they can best get out of their situation and stay out of their situation. Real change only occurs when the way we see the world, the way we see ourselves, and the way we see our future, changes. Such changes are difficult to make because they often require a complete overhaul of our current reality. Thankfully, your friends have you in their lives to support them and help them get their lives on track. By being your friend’s crutch, you’re only ensuring their continued failure. The only way to help the people you love is by showing them how strong and intelligent they are, and how much potential they possess. Most people don’t fail because they don’t have it in them to succeed.
On the contrary, most people fail because they honestly believe they aren’t capable of succeeding. People who succeed don’t succeed by accident; they succeed because they know in their minds their success is inevitable. These individuals aren’t gypsies with the ability to see the future. The only thing that truly differentiates them from the rest of the herd is their ability to create the future. And the only way to create a beautiful future is by first seeing it in your mind. Michelangelo saw David in the stone and released him. You need to know the life you wish for if you hope to have it. More than that, you have to believe your ideal life is a possibility — a good possibility. It isn’t always easy to have such strong belief in yourself. How can you believe you’ll succeed — truly believe it — if life has proven you wrong time and time again?It’s okay to convince even, your friends the lives they’ve always dreamed of are lives they can one day live. This is really all the support anyone needs. Nearly all people can take care of themselves — what most people really need is a reminder they could be great if they choose to. For More Of His Thoughts And Ramblings, Follow Paul Hudson On Twitter And Facebook.
Dr. Travis Bradberry is considered an expert in Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and he proposes these “9 Habits of Highly Emotionally Intelligent People”.
1-They’re relentlessly positive– emotionally intelligent people don’t get caught up in things they can’t control. They are capable of identifying negative thought patterns and focus their energy on two things they can control- attention and effort.
2-They have a robust emotional vocabulary– those with high EQ’s know how to identify and verbalize their emotions. Additionally, they understand the difference between degrees of emotions and can use the correct word to communicate them.
3-They’re assertive- these individuals are able to establish a balance between having empathy and compassion while setting limits and boundaries with others. They do not default to passive aggressive or avoidant methods of dealing with conflict.
4-They’re curious about other people- they take a genuine interest in others which is a product of their capacity for empathy.
5-They forgive but they don’t forget- while knowing that holding resentment and grudges is unhealthy, high EQ people know how to let go of these emotions yet learn from these mistakes and are careful not to set themselves up in the future. Fool me once…shame on you. Fool me twice…shame on me.
6-They won’t let anyone limit their joy- they avoid making comparisons between themselves and others. Self worth comes from within and they live according to their opinion of self.
7-They make things fun- high EQ people know how to own their choices and see the positive and enjoyment in this. They know how to make themselves happy and get enjoyment out of life.
8-They are difficult to offend- they are self-confident and open minded. They are able to take criticism in stride and see the value in the opinions of others for self improvement.
9-They squash negative self-talk- the more you ruminate on negative thoughts, the more power you give them. They know negative thoughts are not facts but distortions pieces of reality.
Unlike IQ, EQ is malleable and can be changed. With practice and effort, you can change and raise your EQ to be a healthier and happier person. Commit yourself to a process of change…you’re worth it!
Me Before We
It’s a noble thing to stay in a relationship because leaving would crush your partner. It’s also self- sacrificing. You’re loyal but terribly dissatisfied. The struggle is to balance the vow you made to your partner to stay in the relationship against the emotional despair for the desire to be “free”. If you stay despite your own despair, your resolves keep you in a relationship that has been unhappy for longer than it has been happy. Guilt, chaos, trauma, and judgment from others as well as self-disgust can often help you stay with your partner and avoid the choice to leave. Would you be able to live with yourself after leaving? Leaving or staying is painful.
You have always considered yourself an “honorable” person. Others have complimented how diligent you are, what a great partner, person you are and so on. No matter your decision to stay or go, be as aware and deliberate as you can. Try to work on making it better life for yourself, rather than letting it make you. The “pursuit of happiness” is a path of self-discovery. No one can tell you whether to stay or to go. No one has your perspective. And no one can discover YOU for you. No one walks In your shoes or has the one on one that you and your partner share. Yes, others will judge your choices but the fact is this; “Can you imagine yourself staying with that person for the rest of your days”?
Consider these key factors:
Is your relationship causing you stress?
Do you and your partner have much in common?
Is the relationship salvageable? Can you really talk to each other?
Can you imagine yourself without this person in your life?
Do you and your partner have the same goals?
Is there chemistry?
These are just a few questions to consider.
Relationships are never perfect. There is no such thing. Society has created love stories, movies and novels that have a very strong impact on how we subconsciously view what a romantic relationship should feel like. In the real world relationships take time, trust, patience, honesty and unity. Both parties have to be willing in good times and bad.
If you’re emotionally healthy, grounded and respect yourself prior to ever stepping foot into a relationship, you are entering fully equipped. Your partner should be in the same place. Even with that being said, relationships can fall apart over time for various reasons. There needs to be boundaries, guidelines, goals, trust and desires. What is each person willing to put forth? Are you both generally on the same page?
Staying in a relationship in fear of hurting another or what others may think is self- sacrificing. You’re not doing yourself or your partner any favors. Actually, you are hindering growth for both of you. Both parties deserve to be happy.
“The ability to respect oneself and others is an essential part of healthy emotional development”.
Most people in our society do not understand that respect of self is not only imperative but is used as a guideline or a path to how we create our everyday life. When you are respecting yourself you are drawing boundaries. You are caring enough about you that others will notice and very often give you the same”. Let’s dive a little deeper on this subject of respect, shall we?
I was raised in a very small town in northern New Jersey. I grew up with my Parents, grandparents, great grandmother and my Uncle. That was just our household.
Being respectful of my Family and authority was not even a discussion it just ” was”. It all began from the time I was born. Every once and a while I’d mouth off. I’d always get the speech; ” you better watch your tone young lady, you are not to be disrespectful to anyone, nor will you behave that way”.
I looked up to those around me. My interactions with others helped form my personality as to being a respectful child therefore a respectful adult. I knew my limits, I knew the difference between right and wrong. I understood that being rude or disrespectful was not acceptable behavior. Consequences would come swiftly if I misbehaved. My family was strict but loving.
When children are raised in such environments with love, encouragement, kindness and consequences they customarily tend to grow up being better people. As an adult they are more likely to celebrate and appreciate life as having a sense of self value, self worth, love and self respect. If they have children of there own they will more then likely instill those same core values and beliefs.
Developing the capacity for respect is a lifelong challenge. Our sense of self tends to be fragile. It can be an up and down ride with varying degrees of success. The development of self-respect, or, in essence, self-esteem, is guided by how we see ourselves. Those in our lives act as a mirror in this process. The people who are important to us those we love and look up to give us attention and encouragement, we see a positive figure when we look in the mirror.
The opposite would hold true if we are surrounded by condescending negative influences in our lives. We may look in the mirror feeling negative.
These days It’s virtually impossible to not see or hear what is going on around us. The lack of respect for our family, friends, co-workers, animals and yes, authority figures. Our society is out of touch with what respect really means.
There are several components of respect and how it affects our world and each of us in a positive or negative way. Here are some:
Empathy, consideration, caring and thoughtfulness toward one another could help create a culture where people would feel they belong, one where enjoyment and respect can thrive. Everyone would be more understanding and supportive when we experience problems. Our differences may not be so different. They really aren’t. Generally speaking we all want the same things. You can always use the work force as an impressive example. Most people do not feel valued, appreciated or respected at their jobs. Imagine if each supervisor and employee had to take courses in self- respect and empathy? It would be interesting to see the results.
The key to any successful relationship is trust. Hard to earn, once broken, nearly impossible to regain. However with trust comes respect. People that have trust and respect for another have a far better relationship as well as the simple fact that each party wants to do more and help the other. It flows better, feels good and creates stability.
What You Can Do
Set the tone. Be the change you wish to see in this world. Let others see how you show respect for all people, including the elderly, authority figures such as police officers, and people who are different from you in terms of ethnicity or religion.
Strive to live what you teach. Be patient, consistent, caring, honest, and attentive.
If someone is truly struggling, give them opportunities to be successful. Be encouraging!
Use positive comments and behave in such a way that others want to learn from you, admire you and listen to you. When you lead by example it is then that you become the image of admiration which in turn makes it very easy for others to respect. People have said charity begins at home. So does respect.
Michelle M. Caporale
We all want it, we all desire the goodness that a relationship can offer.
However, I pose this question; ” Do you want healthy relationship or just a relationship”?
It has been said that first several months maybe even the first year of a relationship is someone who represents us filling in for the real us. We all try to start off on the right foot, don’t we? We all have a sense to possibly hold back our true selves in fear of the what if’s. What if this person see’s the real me and they are not interested?
The right way to think would be; ” I am me, like me as I am”. That is easier said then done. True colors always come shinning through eventually.
Healthy relationships are built on time, trust, experiences and more. A healthy relationship starts with one self. Yes, we have to love ourselves, be good to ourselves before we can even think of allowing someone else in. If you are good to yourself love and respect who you are, you are more likely to attract someone of the same caliber. In most cases like attracts like.
It has taken me a long time to like myself. It was not as easy as I make it sound, not simple at all. I found fault with most things about me that when I look back I see it was rather silly. Now, because I like myself, mostly respect who I am, I seem to attract nicer people, better friends and so on. I am not tolerant of other people who are rude or try to change me.
For all this and more I am better because of the experiences and now I know what I will accept and most of all what I WILL not allow in my life.
Here are some tips to have a healthy relationship:
Build a foundation of appreciation and respect. Focus on all the considerate things your partner says and does. Happy couples make a point of noticing even small opportunities to say “thank you” to their partner, rather than focusing on mistakes their partner has made. Gratitude brings a great attitude.
Explore each other’s interests so that you have a long list of things to enjoy together. Try new things together to expand mutual interests. Be curtious to your partner.
Establish a pattern of apologizing if you make a mistake or hurt your partner’s feelings. Saying “I’m sorry” may be hard in the moment, but it goes a long way towards healing a rift in a relationship. Your partner will trust you more if he or she knows that you will take responsibility for your words and actions. Most of us do not wish to be responsible, it is easier to place blame instead of accepting your part and moving forward.
Make choices together. Things like financial choices can strain a couple. It is important to choose the same things together by being on the same page. Money can part even the best of friends. Be considerate.
Don’t hold back. If something is bothering you, talk it over. Perhaps you may have to set a time to do so. Non the less speak. Speak with respect. Every couple argues but if you are going to fight, do it fairly and by all means stay on the subject in which you are fighting about. Arguing is healthy, abusive behavior is not. I have learned that sometimes even though we apologize we cannot take it back, it’s already out.
Be friends. The best of friends make the best of lovers. Why rush it? Friendship is so valuable, it helps build trust. You would want your partner to be your friend.
Allow space. Everyone needs it. I don’t like feeling crowded or smothered myself. I have polled friends on this one and some others. Allow your partner time with friends as you need time with your own or to yourselves. It is healthy & perfectly acceptable.
When you are in a healthy loving relationship with yourself you will find that you are more open to receiving one from another.
Wishing you all healthy, loving relationships of every kind.